Volume Patrol

OK...let's try this again. The first time I started this post I got logged out. Adds to the hysteria.

I'm still gonna say what I was gonna say.

Sound systems are funny these days because I guess most people have gotten over feeling self-conscious about how they look and more iffy about how they sound with what they say. Do you know how many online job interviews I've had over the phone? If you don't know what I'm talking about, that probably just sounds weird because it is, but MAN. Talk about the ole "was it something I said?" because when it's finally your turn to speak and you literally say maybe two words before getting disconnected (yeah yeah...should have been using that landline...), it feels freaking terrible.

I don't know what it is, but the minute someone hears fear in your words (look, I have my own hangups when it comes to the letter S so fear is inevitable when I speak :/), they do the whole "ehh..." thing like all of a sudden it's ok to be 100% honest about how something made you feel. Seriously, if I'm the only one who notices this "total realness" in people, then I really am the most hypersensitive person on the planet.

Anyway, the point of this post was inspired by that trip to the loony bin (said with full adoration, seriously) where a friend I had met there showed me how to change the volume on the telephone. Here's the great part though: the up/down controller was unmarked and looked like a regular button that you'd simply press in--not one that could ever-so-gently be tapped on each side to either make the volume increase or decrease. So of course I'm all like, "Alright...this is a spy phone."

I mean, what the hey? I've seen volume controls on phones before, but they're CLEARLY marked. Ya know, because it's not a big deal and all...

Right?

I don't know. Personally, I think Air Mall's "MegaEar Spy Recorder" was put into too many stockings last year and phone interception is simply like pulling out binoculars and spying on your neighbor taking a shower. Everyone does it, so whatever.

I remember when our landline started fudging up and we'd get crystal clear reception of conversations going on in all the other houses around us. It wasn't as good as it sounded though, no pun intended. Phone conversation, in general, tends to suck no matter what...even when it's contra banded...sorta.

ANYWAY ANYWAY...sound systems. They control all kinds of things like pitch and balance, ya know? My friend Jimmy and I were talking on Skype a long time ago and the whole time he was talking, I was messing with the volume settings on my computer. Little did he know that I was making his voice go from being the guy from the Green Mile to Mickey Mouse. That, of course, is child's play. The real fear I have at the moment is having the ability to take someone's voice and, oh, I don't know, balancing it directly into the right ear where the left side of the brain--the logical, rational, unforgiving side--is directly connected and, by nature, predisposed to discern fact from make-believe. So, say you have a mortal enemy who knows this. Say they really wanna screw up your life. What could they do? I guess just walk on up to the right side of your head and whisper a bunch of nonsense that you're left brain is viciously trying to make sense of. I mean, this was your FRIEND!!?!?! Lol.

Voice hypnotics are the new terrorism, but you didn't hear it from me. I'm just bitter about every guy who ever seduced me with his words. I like one-liners, JEEZ. And no brainers. Definitely no brainers.